The Question People Ask First — And the One They Don't

The first question is almost always “do you know why?” Why you were placed, why it happened the way it did, why the story went the direction it went. It's usually asked kindly. I don't think people mean any harm by it.

But it's rarely the question that matters most to the person answering it. The question underneath is usually something closer to: does it still hurt, and is it okay that I don't have it all resolved? Nobody asks that one. It's a harder question to ask, and a harder one to sit with the answer to, because sometimes the answer is yes and no, both, still.

I've stopped expecting the second question. I've started offering the answer to it anyway, even when nobody asked, because I think it might be the more useful thing to hear if you're an adoptee or a foster kid or anyone else piecing a story together in the dark: it's allowed to still hurt. It's allowed to not be resolved. You don't owe anyone a tidy version of it just because enough time has passed that they've stopped expecting to be told otherwise.

If someone asks you why, you can answer it, or not. But you're allowed to answer the other question instead — the one under it — whether or not anyone thought to ask.